The Question
Desirable Dan who can’t wait to crush cans with a sparkly seductress: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at BlackCrush.com?”
Me: “BlackCrush.com? No trouble. You just have to massage the situation a little bit. You know, give it a little squeeze. Like you’re making some fresh as fuck orange juice. Hmm… Speaking of oranges, that reminds me of an old joke. It goes like this… Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? HA! Funny, right? Hooboy. Good comedy. Anyhoo, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. The getting laid at BlackCrush thing. Right. You fucking don’t!”
What I’m saying is, it doesn’t matter how many doors you knock on, nobody’s answering at BlackCrush.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with BlackCrush.com?
Man, it’s the same bullshit, just in a different pile.
For the uninitiated…
Fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
That’s what you get at BlackCrush.
Nice, right?
No.
For fuck’s sake.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Oh, look.
Fucking “Fantasy Cuties”.
Great.
But I want details!
Sure thing!
So, before I get into the specifics, I have to start the ball rolling here by telling you the same thing I’m always telling everybody:
Without fail, before you even think of signing up to a dating site, read their terms and conditions.
Doing that one simple thing can save you so much potential headache, it’s not even funny.
See, if a site is trying to pull a fast one, the terms and conditions are where you’ll find out exactly what kind of deceptive tricks they’re using in order to cheat you out of your precious time and hard-earned cash.
Why would they tell you that, you ask? Why on earth would a site that is actively trying to bilk you out of the aforementioned time and loot that belongs to you ever actually disclose their scams? Good question.
Well, we know they sure as shit don’t do it out of the goodness of their hearts. No, the answer is, because they have to.
In order to cover their asses and keep themselves out of hot water, they bury their bullshit amongst the rest of the legal hibbity-bibbity that you typically find in the terms and conditions. Of course, they know full well that damn near nobody reads the terms (which is why they’re not too busted up about having to disclose their bullshit in there, by the way). Unfortunately for the poor suckers that blast right by the terms and sign up to such shady enterprises anyway, whether they read the terms or not, they’re still bound by them if they use the site. Too bad, so sad.
So, to reiterate, read the motherfucking terms and conditions before you sign up to a site. Mkay?
Onward…
Let’s have a look-see at some BlackCrush bullshit.
From good ol’ section 4:
4. FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY
And…
4.2. You comprehend, acknowledge, and accept that our Service, presented in the style of an online dating service, is an entertainment service. All content is provided for the entertainment and amusement of You.
Covering their asses, step 1!
“I mean, we told you we’re just here to entertain you, right? You didn’t think you could actually meet someone at this thing we call a dating site, did you?”
No, they didn’t actually say that. But they didn’t have to, did they?
Let’s cleanse our palate with some “Fantasy Cuties”!
4.3. THIS SITE UTILIZES FANTASY PROFILES IDENTIFIED AS FANTASY CUTIES. You comprehend, acknowledge, and accept that some of the profiles listed on the Site may be operated by our Site or third party contractors and are fictitious.
Blech! That didn’t work at all. Even worse taste in the mouth now.
And they’re still shovelling it in!
4.3.1. Interactions originating from Fantasy Cuties functionality could be computer generated or could be created by the Site or third party contractors hired by the Site.
Okay. Done. Ugh.
Go have a read through the rest, if you like. There’s always more nonsense. But I think we have a big enough pile of garbage here to understand what we’re dealing with.
Here. We all deserve an actual palate cleanser after that.
Ahh… Much better.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Hmm, this whole not believing issue again. Alrighty…
So, uh, I don’t wanna assume here, so just to be clear we’re all on the same page…
Everyone understands what the word “fictitious” means, yes?
Let’s recap…
In a nutshell, it means “fake”. Like, made up. Not real.
Everyone good on that?
Good good.
So, with that said, we can all see how fictitious profiles are a problem, yes?
Again, I say, good good.
See, facts is facts. And the fact is, there are fictitious profiles on the site. That’s not something to choose to believe or not. It just is what it is.
Have another read through of the words up the page a bit. Let ‘em sink in. Have a good nod of acknowledgment, and then move on.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
BlackCrush.com? Nope. Scam.
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