The Question
Distinguished Dan who wants to do the no pants dance with a tasty temptress: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at XXXPersonals.com?”
Me: “XXXPersonals.com? It’s really pretty easy. The hint is actually in the name. See those three big fat Xs? Well, those three Xs represent the three steps you need to take to get to where you wanna go. Ready? First, take a deep breath, hold it, and then exhale. Do that three times. Good, good. You’re chilled out and ready for step 2. Now, stand up and extend your hands high above your head. Hold them there for a count of three. Uh, and wiggle your fingers around. Cuz why not? Do that three times. Perfect. You’re limber as a noodly noodle and ready for step 3. Finally, and this is the big one, make your way to the exit and get ready to you fucking don’t!”
So here’s the thing… It doesn’t matter how many steps there are, ain’t nobody getting nuttin’ in the boom-boom department at XXXPersonals.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with XXXPersonals.com?
Big surprise comin’ at ya!
What’s wrong with XXXPersonals is the same thing that’s wrong with all these scammy bullshit “dating” sites…
Fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
Okay, that’s actually three things.
And not a surprise at all, unfortunately.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Sure thing!
Got a new one for you today…
“Online Envoys”!
That’s what you’ll be dealing with at XXXPersonals.
What’s an “Online Envoy”, you ask?
Well—this is a loose translation, of course—but something along the lines of, “bullshit designed to try and dupe you out of your time and money.”
Fun, right?
No.
But I want details!
You got it!
So, real quick, before outlining the specifics of the deceptions that happen on XXXPersonals, I have to tell you the most important thing to remember when you’re thinking of signing up to any dating site:
Always, always, always read the terms and conditions first.
No exceptions.
Why? Because the terms and conditions are where you get to find out the truth about what’s actually happening on a dating site.
I know, I know. They’re boring as fuck and loaded full of legal gobbledygook. I get it. Nobody wants to read that shit.
Thing is, that’s what these unscrupulous dating sites count on. That’s how these sites get away with their bullshit. They know that virtually everybody just zips on past the terms without giving them a second thought.
And that sucks.
It sucks because the bullshit can be avoided. The cons are right there in black and white. Right there for you to read before getting sucked into a scam.
See, in order to continue their cons and not get into trouble, sites will outline their bullshit right there in their terms and conditions. Then, whether you read the terms or not, they can say they told you what they were doing. So, even though they’re the scammer and you’re the scammed, they’re off the hook, and you just got skewered.
It’s fucking nonsense, but sadly, that’s the way most of the online dating world runs.
Now, let’s move on to the specifics…
Section 12 is where the bullshit party starts…
12. Online Envoy™ Feature. XXXPERSONALS.COM may, at its discretion, cause or allow You to be contacted by one or more Online Envoys™ as a part of XXXPERSONALS.COM’s Online Envoy™ entertainment feature.
Oh, do go on…
12.1. An Online Envoy™ may be a real person, such as another XXXPERSONALS.COM Member, a digital actor, an avatar or a synthespian (e.g. a computer generated “person” or “character”). Online Envoys™ may be employed by XXXPERSONALS.COM or a third party to enhance Your online experience.
Side note: Synthespian. Fucking hell. Worst. Term. Ever.
More…
12.3. An Online Envoy™ may be a current or past XXXPERSONALS.COM Member, an independent contractor, a digital creation, You or a digital representation of You.
I bet you’ve always wanted a digital representation of you! Not really.
One last bit…
12.6. By agreeing to these Terms and Conditions or by otherwise becoming a Member of XXXPERSONALS.COM, You hereby authorize, XXXPERSONALS.COM to use or allow, in its sole discretion, one or more Online Envoys™ to communicate with you via email, an instant messenger program, or by any and all other means now known or hereinafter invented for the purposes set forth above, any other purpose set forth in, or consistent with, these Terms and Conditions or any future modifications hereof, and for any and all other lawful purposes.
Okay, there’s more (there’s always more)—and please, feel free to go read the rest—but I think we all get the picture. There’s a while lotta fake going on.
Lastly, just to be clear, I’ll reiterate my stance on fake profiles: If you have some fakes, they may as well all be fakes.
Fake profiles… not even one.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Umm…
Listen, I’m not entirely sure how you can read the words “computer generated ‘person’ or ‘character’” and not nope the fuck out post haste, but… hmm, wait. Right. There is no but.
Those words need to make you nope the fuck out.
I mean, it’s your time and money. Do what you gotta do and all that…
But really, just go have a quick read through those terms again. That shit is coming straight from the horse’s mouth. They are literally telling you how they’re going to dupe you.
Seriously. Just nope.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
XXXPersonals.com? Nope. Scam.
Are there any real dating and hook up sites. Like the fake ones?
Hey man. The sites I recommend on the Meet Real Women page are all legit. Check ’em out.
Ok xxxx