The Question
Speedy Sam who’s looking for some instant gratification with a nimble nympho: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at InstaSext.com?”
Me: “InstaSext.com? Super-duper easy. You just need to prepare yourself so that you’re ready for anything in the blink of an eye. In an instant, if you will. Hurr durr. So, in order to prepare, you’re gonna need to grab a few things. First, go and put on your speediest sneakers. If you don’t have any speedy sneakers, head on over to the speedy sneaker store and simply ask for their speediest pair. Next, grab a pack of instant noodles. When, not if, you get hungry, you gotta be able to eat that shit in a flash. Lastly, tear-away pants. Cuz, you know. And if you ain’t got ‘em, go get ‘em. Now that you’re all kitted up, you’re ready to you fucking don’t!”
What I’m saying is, people that sign up to InstaSext find out in a hurry that no one is getting laid there.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with InstaSext.com?
A lot of times when people think of things that are instant, they think of foods.
Here are three examples: Instant coffee (blech), instant mashed potatoes (double blech), and instant pudding (meh).
Some instant foods are pretty good, some not so much.
But even the worst instant food is easier to swallow than the three things InstaSext tries to shove down your throat:
Fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
Ugh.
Pass the potatoes, please.
Tell me more, Frankie.
It’s been a bit since we’ve cast our gaze on this ding-dong term for da bullshit.
Let’s all give a completely disinterested wave to the “Love Stars”!
But I want details!
Why soitenly!
So, before we get to the goods, let me sound off like you know I love to do…
Ready? Here comes the pro tip of the day for all you sexy motherfuckers!
Before you even think of signing up to a dating site—any dating site—make sure you read the terms and conditions first!
I know somebody is asking why right now, so imma tell you!
Because the terms and conditions are where you have any chance of finding out if a dating site is going to try and scam you, that’s why!
Tucked away in all the legal mumbo-jumbo on the terms page is where the truth is. It’s where sites have to disclose the kind of practices they use on their site. Like, oh, you know, if they use fake fucking members!
Fake members, you say?
You betcha!
Speaking of fake members (says the self-proclaimed segue king), how’s about we skip on over to InstaSext’s very own whistleblowin’ terms and conditions!
From good ol’ section 10:
All profiles are provided for the entertainment of our members and our users.
That’s always a fun thing to point out (the entertainment bit, that is), cuz what the eff? I don’t think anyone is on a dating site to just be “entertained”, are they? Uh, no.
Anyhoo, more nonsense arriving in 3… 2… 1…
You understand, acknowledge, and agree that some of the user profiles posted on this site may be fictitious or models or bots related to our “Love Stars” ( ) program.
Winner winner, chicken dinner! There’s them “Love Stars”.
What about ‘em? Oh…
Our LS work for the site in an effort to stimulate dialogue with users and to stimulate user participation on the Website and Services, advertisement of the Website and Services, and the creation of user profiles.
And…
You understand, acknowledge, and agree that the information, text, and pictures contained in the LS profiles do not pertain to any actual person or member, but are included for entertainment purposes only.
One more little taste for now…
You further understand, acknowledge, and agree that, from time-to-time, LS may contact Website and Services users and members via electronic messaging, including for example, email, instant messages, and SMS, for purposes of encouraging further or broader participation in our site’s Services and/or to monitor user activity.
Okay, okay. Last bit for realsies this time…
You understand, acknowledge, and agree that no physical meeting will ever take place between you and LS, and that the exchange of messages between you and a LS is for entertainment purposes, as well as to encourage further or broader participation in our site’s Services and/or to monitor user activities.
I will sum this up as follows:
Are you fucking kidding me?
For serious. Go read it on their site for yourself, if you like. There’s even more there. But, cheese and crackers, that is a fucking bonkers bunch of shit.
Steer the fuck clear.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Okay, here’s what I’m going to do…
I’m gonna sit right here and order a nice pizza while you go and re-read all the words I laid out for you up this page a little ways.
Hello, Pizza Hotline? One large pepperoni please.
Now I’m gonna eat said pizza, rinse, and repeat for as long as it takes for you to have those words I just mentioned sink in.
And sink in they must. Because the truth is, you don’t deserve to get conned out of your time and money by some shady dating site.
Okay? Good.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
InstaSext.com? Nope. Scam.
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