Question: Who loves a good quickie?
Answer: Everyone.
With that indisputable fact in mind, I’ve decided to assist every last one of you admirable aspiring fornicators in your ongoing quest to get down and dirty with an actual real live member of the opposite sex.
Let’s get this party started…
#1: No. More. Dick. Pics.
Holy fuck, people! Enough with the cock shots, the penis Picassos, the phallic photographs, the whatever you wanna call ‘em. Just stop.
Seriously.
You wouldn’t walk up to someone in real life, whip your cock out and eagerly await some kind of encouraging response. (Side note: If you do do that, fucking stop.) So, why on earth do you think it’s a good thing to do online? It’s not. Trust me. It’s fucking mental.
Let me be extra clear with the tip here: DO NOT use a dick pic for your profile picture on a dating site.
If you want to actually get laid when you sign up to a legit dating site, use a profile pic of you smiling. Or laughing. Or almost anything that isn’t your fucking wiener.
#2: Be patient.
Mr. Miyagi had it right when he told Daniel-san to be patient in the Karate Kid. He knew that having patience was the best way for Daniel to achieve his goal of kicking that d-bag from the Cobra Kai dojo in his stupid face.
The principle here is the same. Whether you’re crane-kicking d-bags or trying to get laid, patience is your ally, not your enemy.
As much as you might like to get laid in the next three minutes, it’s probably not gonna happen. It just doesn’t work that way, no matter what TV, or movies, or the next dime-a-dozen dipshit pickup artist tells you.
Even people who want quick and easy no-attachment hookups need time to establish some kind of base connection.
Understanding that it takes time for you to make those connections is how you keep from getting frustrated. How you keep from giving up.
Of course, that all leads to the big question: How long do I have to be patient for?
The answer is simple: For as long as it takes.
The thing is, there isn’t any one timetable that fits all situations. Looking to get laid at a bar? It might take the night to form a connection with someone, or it might take multiple dates. Want to get laid online? Same thing applies. Could be quick, could take a while.
There’s no one size fits all schedule that you can apply to this.
BUT the one thing that you can control is you.
This quote from George Savile sums things up nicely:
A Man who is Master of Patience, is Master of everything else.
Be patient. Get laid. There’s your tip.
#3: Fucking smile.
Okay, let me preface this tip with the following:
If you’re a dude who likes to smile—and smiles easily and often—then you’ve already got Quickie Tip #3 in the bag. Good job.
However, if you’re not one of those dudes…
If you are, in fact, a too-cool-for-school, dour-faced motherfucker, then pay attention because this tip won’t only help you get laid, it could help change your whole life. No exaggeration.
Smiling does a lot of good things.
When you smile, you instantly look friendlier, more approachable. But that’s not all. As you learn to smile more and more, you build your confidence and boost your mood. You actually feel happier just from smiling. Sounds crazy, but that shit has been scientifically proven.
Now, more confidence and a good attitude will obviously help you get laid, but those things also help you have a good life. And having a good life is, well, fucking good.
There’s a great line from Raylan Givens, the main character on the TV show Justified, that goes like this:
If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.
In other words, you get what you give.
Listen, you want to get laid? Have women look at you and actually want to talk to you—be with you—instead of backing away because you look like a fucking stone-faced hitman?
Easy.
Just smile.
#4: Lighten the fuck up.
If you’re one of those dudes who thinks every damn thing is serious as fuck, trust me when I tell you, you’re doing it wrong.
If you get defensive when someone pokes fun at you, no matter who’s saying it or what they’re saying? Wrong. Laugh with them instead. It’s a joke. The ability to laugh at yourself doesn’t diminish your character, it strengthens it.
And if someone is legit being a dick and trying to demean you, well then, fuck that guy. Don’t engage. The other people around will know who the piece of shit is in that exchange. Hint: it ain’t you.
That’s one example, but the same idea can be applied to anything that you feel yourself getting tensed up and stressed about. Any perceived injustice can be handled the same way. Take a breath and just let it go. If it’s something really worth fighting for, then that breath you take will allow you to resolve the issue with a reasoned approach.
Nobody likes the frazzled lunatic who goes off at the slightest thing. And that goes for life in general. Believe me, that kind of behavior makes you look even more unhinged to potential ladyfriends.
Like water off a duck’s back, as the old saying goes. Lighten up and let the negativity of others slide right off you.
Listen, life is too short to get bent about every little thing. When you lighten up and don’t take every perceived slight to heart, you instantly become the bigger man. You become the one who’s in control. You become the desirable one. I’m sure you can easily extrapolate from there, but lemme be clear anyway: Being desirable is step numero uno on the path to getting laid.
Lighten up. Get laid. Easy.
I hope that was as good for you as it was for me.
Until next time, you sexy fuckers.
Love your words here right on!
Hey Jon.
Thanks! Much appreciated.