The Question
Local Larry who can’t wait to get himself some bone time with a milfalicious mama: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at LocalMilfSelfies.com?”
Me: “LocalMilfSelfies.com? Easily done, my man. The first thing you’re gonna need is a stick. It should be about three feet long and relatively sturdy. You want to be able to hold it out in front of you without it bending. Got it? Good. Next, you wanna grab yourself some duct tape and a map. I’m talking a map made out of paper, by the way. Remember those? And the map should be of where you live, of course. Local, get it? Okay, now take the map, unfold it, and tape it to the end of your stick. Perfect. Now hold the stick out in front of you, so that the map is hanging directly in front of your face. Adjust the distance if need be. You want to be able to see the streets on the map. Great, you’re all set up. Just pick a milf-y looking spot on the map and start walking on over to you fucking don’t!”
To put it another way… Let’s say you had a super special MILF-tracking GPS unit. Wanna know where it wouldn’t tell you to go? LocalMilfSelfies.com.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with LocalMilfSelfies.com?
When we’re talking about shady dating sites (and we are), you can pretty much count on the “what’s wrong” always being the same three things:
Fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Fantasy.
That’s a good word, right?
Feels good to have fantasies. Fun to think about.
Cuties.
No denying that that’s a good word too.
It’s fun to say. And who doesn’t like cute things?
But put them together like LocalMilfSelfies has?
Trust me when I tell you that you want no part of their “Fantasy Cuties”.
But I want details!
Then details are what you’re gonna get!
Imagine, if you will, some kind of magical collection of words that could tell you whether or not a dating site that you’re thinking of signing up to is legit. A collection of words that outlines exactly the manner in which it plans to deceive you. That’d be pretty helpful, no?
Why, yes! Yes, it would.
And you know what? You don’t even have to imagine it because it actually exists.
Witness the power of the terms and conditions!
Yup. The terms and conditions. The page that nobody ever reads cuz it’s basically ten miles long and filled full of legal mumbo-jumbo. Boring, right?
Thing is, buried amongst all that blah is where you find the truth about what’s actually happening on a dating site. It’s where you get to find out if you’re about to be duped or not.
Alright, enough talk, more rock. How about we take a look at LocalMilfSelfies’ terms so you can see exactly what we’re talking about here?
Section 4 is where the games begin:
4. FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY
Silly me. I thought the site was for meeting people, not for just amusing me.
Ugh.
Let’s continue.
B. You comprehend, acknowledge, and accept that our Service, presented in the style of an online dating service, is an entertainment service. All content is provided for the entertainment and amusement of You. Our Site does not guarantee that You will find a date, partner, or participant, or that you will meet any member in person.
Umm…
C. THIS SITE UTILIZES FANTASY PROFILES IDENTIFIED AS FANTASY CUTIES. You comprehend, acknowledge, and accept that some of the profiles listed on the Site may be operated by our Site or third party contractors and are fictitious.
Okay, that’s enough. Go check out the rest of their terms, if you like. There’s definitely more to shake your head at, but I think the point here has been made.
The terms and conditions, folks. Read ‘em first. Always.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
You don’t what now? Oh for…
Hey Science Guy! Get a load of this dude who doesn’t believe in facts!
Okay, how can I put this… Oh, I know.
Stop it!
As in, stop wasting your time not believing in facts.
Listen, the terms tell you in black and white what’s what. That bit about fictitious profiles? It’s not there for fun. It’s there because that’s what’s actually going on.
The sooner you stop your wasting time not believing in facts, the sooner you don’t have to worry about wasting your time by signing up to a scammy dating site. That sounds like a win to me.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
LocalMilfSelfies.com? Nope. Scam.
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