How To Get Laid At A Bar

Imagine, if you will, this little scenario…

“I’m going to the bar tonight and I’m gonna get laid!” you say merrily to yourself as you head out the door and make your way to your local watering hole. A short trip later and there you are. The Bar.

You get to the front door, walk in, and look around. Hot women everywhere. “This is gonna be great!”

You sing a little song in your head as you walk over to the bar to grab a drink. “L-A-I-D. That is for me!” Your song makes no sense, but you don’t care. It’s wall-to-wall ladies in there.

“Alright, alright, alright. Time to get laid. All I have to do now is—” **scraaatch** (that’s a record scratch, by the way).

Much blinking and awkward wall leaning takes place over the course of the next four hours because you actually have no fucking clue what to do next.

Closing time. You go home. Alone. Again.

And scene.

Sound familiar?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that your answer is, “Fuck yeah, it sounds familiar!”

Of course it does. Some variation of it anyway. It’s always the same story. Good intention. No execution.

But guess what? It’s not your fault. And sheeeit, you’re sure as hell not alone.

Here’s the problem. Most dudes fit into one of two categories. They either have zero idea about what they should do to meet a woman at a bar, let alone hook up with one, OR they have so much shitty advice rolling around in their skulls that they freeze up when it comes time to act. All the “techniques” that they thought made sense when they left the house don’t make any sense at all when shit is real and there are live women in front of them.

Who can blame a motherfucker for being stumped?

Well, fuck being stumped. It’s time to get un-stumped. Let’s get this shit sorted, once and for all.

Below is a list of do’s and don’ts that will finally, mercifully, help get you laid at a bar. Read them. Remember them. Put that shit into practice. Think you can handle that? Of course you can.

Ready?

If You’re A Woman

Do: Be a woman.

Don’t: Not be a woman.

Come on now, ladies. Let’s be serious. You’re not really asking for advice on how to get laid at a bar, are you? You are? Okay. Fine. Here you go…

1. Go to bar.
2. Point at your lady bits.
3. Make any random sound.
4. Choose guy you wanna smash parts with from the giant lineup of dudes that come running.

Better? Good. Now quit fooling around. There are guys in need here.

If You’re A Man

Step 1.

Do: Be clean, smell good, dress well.

Don’t: Spray yourself with enough shitty body spray/cologne to fell a rhino. It isn’t a substitute for actually washing yourself with soap and water. And you’re not fooling anybody anyway.

No woman who’s gone to the trouble of getting herself all gussied up for her night out is going to look twice at a dude who can’t be bothered to fucking bathe or not dress like he pulled his clothes out of the dirty laundry pile. Honestly, this little bit of pre-bar prep is the easiest part of all of this to get right, and will go a long way toward your ultimate goal.

So…

Shower. With soap, remember?

Use deodorant.

Wear something nice.

I understand that clothing can be a little subjective because everybody has their own style, but here’s a common truth that works across the board: Make an effort. No matter what your style, the effort will show. Also, your clothes should be clean, and not wrinkled to hell.

Lastly, if your friends are as equally fashion inept as you might be, don’t ask them for advice. If you don’t know what to wear, go take a look in some men’s magazines for some ideas.

Alrighty, you look and smell like a million bucks and you’re at the bar. What now?

Step 2.

Do: Make eye contact, take action, be nice.

Don’t: Fucking stare. You’re not a serial killer. Take it easy. And don’t be a dick. That whole insult a woman/knock her down a peg and she’ll come running bullshit is played out and demeaning.

Confident dudes get laid. Simple as that. Think of any goofy looking rock star. They get laid. Why? Not because of how they look, that’s for sure. It’s because they have confidence. “But they have money, Frankie!” says someone, probably. Yeah, yeah, settle down. They have money. So what. Believe me, they were getting laid before they were loaded. That same confidence is how they got to be a rock star in the first place. And the rock star thing is just one example. Quit making excuses, whoever said that.

Now, just to be clear, confidence doesn’t mean walk around like a giant douchebag. It means make eye contact with a woman instead of your shoes. It means smile at the woman you just made eye contact with. It means take action and get off your ass and go talk to the woman you just exchanged a smile with.

Let me repeat that last part. In order to meet and hook up with a woman at a bar, you have to actually go talk to the woman. This is critically important. I realize it seems obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many dudes just don’t get this part of the equation. Understand this: If you don’t take any action, you won’t get any result.

When you do take action and go speak to the woman you just bravely locked eyes with and smiled at, be fucking nice. Being nice doesn’t mean you’re less of a man, or weak, or any other ridiculous thing that some other dipshit who isn’t getting laid told you it was. It means be respectful, polite, attentive. Just think of how many times that woman you’re about to talk to has had some douchey motherfucker try and pick her up. Think she’s gonna respond to yet another asshole who’s rude as fuck? The answer is no. Nobody likes to be disrespected. Set yourself apart in the sea of mediocre meatheads that are trolling that same bar. Be nice to her, and you’ll have a better chance of her being nice to you.

Look at you! You’re standing right in front of a real live lady! Uh, what now?

Step 3.

Do: Remember her name, buy her a drink, make her laugh.

Don’t: As in, DO NOT, be that guy. What guy? The guy that tries to get a woman plastered so he can take advantage of her. That kinda shit is straight up rape-y, and not even a little bit okay. For emphasis: Having a drink or two? Great! Having a shot of something together is a good way to bond and can help lower the barrier to conversation. Trying to get her loaded? Just fucking no. Not ever cool. Don’t be that guy.

People always talk about not remembering someone’s name right after they get introduced. They say it’s because they’re bad with names, or something equally lame. I’m telling you right now, there is no excuse for not remembering a woman’s name (or anyone’s name, for that matter) after they tell you what it is.

Why is there no excuse? Because the solution to remembering is simple. Be present. As in, pay fucking attention when someone talks to you. It’s really as easy as that. When you’re talking to a woman, pay attention to the actual conversation. Don’t be off in la-la-land dreaming about her boobies, or work, or all the cats you’re gonna get if you’re alone much longer. Focus on the conversation and you’ll remember her name. Believe me when I tell you, your stock will rise much higher if you refer to her by her name for the rest of the night instead of hey you, buddy, or sweet cheeks.

I touched on this already, but it bears repeating: Don’t try and get a woman drunk, so you can take advantage of her. Don’t. Just fucking don’t. There is never a scenario where this is okay. Also, and I don’t mean to harp on you here, but remember this last thing: buying a woman a drink doesn’t mean she owes you anything. Nothing. Not a fucking thing.

Now, that said, there’s no doubt that buying a woman a drink is a great strategic move. It allows for the opportunity to spend some time together while you both drink your drink. It also gives you a built in conversation topic—at the very least, you can talk about the booze. And having a drink or two can help loosen the both of you up, help make the conversation flow easier. That last bit right there is probably the best side effect. Feeling more comfortable in the conversation. The reason it’s the best side effect is because it gives you a better chance to make her laugh. And laughter, my friends, is like a secret weapon.

If you can make a woman laugh, you’re halfway home. It means she’s listening to you. It’s also a good indicator that she actually likes you, at least to some degree. The best part though, the absolute best part of making a woman laugh—remember this—is that you’ve already made her feel something. Something that made her feel good. Subconsciously, you’re already on another level. You’ve made it past the gatekeeper and have arrived at a deeper part part of her brain. Connection is important, and by making her laugh, you made a connection.

And boom goes the dynamite. Good work. You’re well on your way to getting laid at a bar.

Say what?

“Hang on there just a second, Frankie, you wise-ass,” you say. “What do you mean by well on my way? Shouldn’t I be getting laid at this point? What the fuck? I followed your instructions.”

Man, I hear what you’re saying. But listen, here’s the thing. What I’ve given you, the best anyone can give you, is kind of a fucked up roadmap. Fucked up in the sense that you can follow all the directions to your destination to a T, but still not end up where you were trying to get to. It’s not a reflection on you, it just is what it is.

Think of the best baseball player in the world. No matter how good that motherfucker is, he’s never going to bat a thousand. He’s just not. He absolutely will never hit every pitch that ever gets thrown to him. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t follow his own roadmap though. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t try. In fact, it’s the opposite. It means he tries harder. Never gives up. That’s how he succeeds. And that’s how you’ll succeed.

Be positive in your quest for some bar lovin’. Keep trying. Sometimes you’re gonna strike out. Probably more often than not, to be honest. But you keep trying. Getting shot down is no reflection on you, and it doesn’t mean she’s a whatever—don’t call women names, man. It’s beneath you. Really, it doesn’t mean shit. You’re just not gonna get a home run every time you go to bat. But, the more times you go to bat, the more times you’re going to score.

TL;DR

Alright, if you read all the way down to here, good for you. If you’re a no-attention-span motherfucker and just zoomed on down here for the recap, no sweat. Either way, here’s the short version of how you get laid at a bar.

1. Be clean, smell good, dress well.
2. Make eye contact, take action, be nice.
3. Remember her name, buy her a drink, make her laugh.

Bonus tip: Be positive, keep trying, have fun.

Good luck, fellas!

Oh yeah…

One last thing for all you wanna-get-laid motherfuckers. I realize this all seems like a lot of work. That’s because it is. You want the reward, you have to put in the effort. Plain and simple. That said, there is an easier way.

What does a motherfucker do if he doesn’t want to put in all that work? He cuts out the middle man.

The easiest way to just get laid is by eliminating the “courting” part of the process. And you do that by finding women who want the same thing that you do. Women who just want to cut the bullshit and get down to business.

“But where does this magical place exist, Frankie?” you ask. Right fucking here.

Click the link and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who have signed up for the exact same reason as you: They just want to get laid. No bullshit attached.