The Question
Stealthy Steven who wants to hook up for some bang bang with a debauched damsel: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at CheatingHookup.com?”
Me: “CheatingHookup.com? No worries, my man. It’s easy. You just need to do a little pre-hookup preparation. Remember back in the day when you had a big exam and you forgot to study? You felt pretty fucked, right? But you knew you had to pass that motherfucker or there’d be big trouble. So, what did you do? You fucking cheated, that’s what! And how did you do it? You wrote the answers on the palms of your hands! Well, that’s what you’re gonna do now too. Ready? First, go get yourself a marker. Nothing too big, you wanna make sure the answers will fit when you write them out. Got one? Good. Now, on the palm of your left hand, write the following: #1 Be sneaky. Simple right? Okay, now on the palm of your right hand, and this one is super important, you write the following: #2 You fucking don’t!”
Here’s the thing… Even with all the answers, nobody’s getting laid at CheatingHookup.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with CheatingHookup.com?
You: I’ll take Scammy Bullshit for one thousand, Alex.
Trebek: Fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
You: What is, what you’ll find at CheatingHookup.com?
Trebek: Fucking correct.
Tell me more, Frankie.
I shall enlighten you with a fine piece of poetry. Ahem…
Roses are red,
Violets ain’t stupid,
But I’ll tell you what is,
Goddamn “Online Cupids”.
But I want details!
Sure thing.
Okay, so before we get down to the nitty gritty, I feel compelled to, once again, sound the terms and conditions horn. And by that I mean, I need to give you what is possibly the best online dating tip of all:
Always read the terms and conditions before signing up to a dating site.
See, the terms and conditions page on a dating site is the one place that you have a hope in hell of finding out what is actually going on on that site. The place where you can find the truth. Where you can find out if you’re about to get conned.
Believe me when I tell you that you’re not gonna find the truth in all of the boobie pictures the site puts up. And you’re also not gonna find the truth in all the site headlines that tell you you’re gonna get laid so fast that it probably already happened while you were reading their headline.
Nope. The terms and conditions are it. You have one shot (mom’s spaghetti, blah blah) to see the scam.
Now, I’m not about to just throw that down without showing you some specifics, so pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er.
Beginning in section 9 of CheatingHookup’s terms, we have this ridiculous statement:
9. FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY
And here you thought you were there to hook up with somebody. Silly rabbit.
Let’s continue…
9.b. You understand and accept that our site, while built in the form of a personals service, is an entertainment service. All profiles are provided for the amusement and entertainment of our members and our users. You are not guaranteed that you will find a date, a companion, or an activity partner, or that you will meet any of our members in person.
Just in case you didn’t get what that first thing meant.
Ugh.
And now some more cupidity (totally just made that up).
9.c. THIS SITE USES FANTASY PROFILES CALLED ONLINE CUPIDS®: You understand, acknowledge, and agree that some of the user profiles posted on this site may be fictitious and operated by the Site or its contractors.
And…
9.c.i. Messages sent from our Online Cupids® service may be automatically generated with no human involvement, and Online Cupids® messages and/or correspondence may be generated by third-parties hired or contracted by Us.
Again I say, and…
9.c.ii. You understand, acknowledge, and agree that the information, text, and pictures contained in the Online Cupids® service profiles do not pertain to any actual person, but are included for entertainment and educational purposes only. Life events, experiences, interests, and geographic locations are fictitious. Nothing contained in any Online Cupids® service profile or message is intended to describe or resemble any real person – living or dead.
Now if what we’ve just gone over isn’t enough for you, feel free to head on over to their site and read the rest of the terms. There’s definitely more silliness there (always is).
For me? That’s enough bullshit for today, thanks.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
You know, sometimes it takes a little bit to actually decipher the doublespeak that happens on these shafty sites’ terms pages. I totally get how it can be confusing. Hell, It confuses me sometimes and I read these damn things all the time.
I can also understand how you might not want to actually believe that these dating sites would stoop so low as to deliberately try and deceive you. Really, it’s a pretty shitty thing to think about.
But the fact of the matter is they do. And in this case, it’s pretty freaking blatant.
Anyway, you don’t believe me? I’ll say what I always say:
Go re-read the words that are just up the page a little. Seriously. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Back? Good good.
Listen, you need to read those words until they sink in, and then read ‘em once more. Then go ahead and make your decision about believing me or not.
Of course, if your decision is to still not believe me, you should go re-read that shit some more. Facts is facts, after all.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
CheatingHookup.com? Nope. Scam.
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