The Question
Jungle Jim who wants to crush parts with a steamy cougar: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at CougarCrush.com?”
Me: “CougarCrush.com? It’s a cakewalk. First, head over to the bakery and pick up a nice cake. The trick is, you have to get the right message written on top of the cake. Here’s what you have it say: “Well meow. Looks like it’s cougar time.” Oh, and have them ice the cake in pâté instead of icing. Big cats love meat. Heh heh. Meat. Speaking of meat… Once you have the cake all iced up and ready to go, stop by the butcher shop and get some meat. Any kind will do. You’re not eating it, you’re just gonna rub a little behind your ears. And don’t go crazy and douse yourself in meat juice like some club-hopping, body spray addict d-bag. Subtlety is key. There you go. Okay, now that you have your perfectly messaged and iced cake, and you have the appropriate amount of meat aroma on you, you fucking don’t!”
The instructions above are absurd because it’s absurd to think you’ll actually get laid at CougarCrush.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with CougarCrush.com?
Imagine you’re walking down a yellow brick road headed toward CougarCrush.
You know what would be scary to find?
Fake members! Fake profiles! Fake emails! Oh My!
P.S. That’s what you’re gonna find.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Alrighty!
New term alert!
Here’s one to get you all hot and bothered: Company Generated Cupid Profiles!
Okay, maybe just bothered.
But I want details!
Glad to!
As I am always inclined to do, before we get started with some specifics, I need to remind you of this:
Checking the terms and conditions page should always be the first thing you do on any dating site that you’re thinking of signing up to.
If a site is going to try and deceive you, the terms page is the one place where you have a fighting chance to see what they’re going to try and pull. If you see something fishy, you can nope the fuck out of there before you get duped.
So, getting back to the task at hand, let’s see what’s cooking at CougarCrush…
We don’t have to go very far to find the truth. Section 1 says:
www.cougarcrush.coms primary purpose is to provide an adult entertainment experience.
That whole entertainment experience thing is rampant. I see it on tons of sites. And it’s never a good sign, if you ask me.
Anyway, let’s continue…
Company Generated Cupid Profiles (marked with “NOTE: a little C icon is here”) are created automatically for marketing, the improvement of the Service, and in order for our Registered Users to experience the type of communications that they can expect as paying Members. The Company Generated Cupid Profiles encourage conversation between members by making introductions or recommendations or just by chatting with Users, for entertainment purposes. From time to time, and in our sole and absolute discretion, Company Generated Cupid Profiles may be introduced with a designated symbol, which is the sign on every item of interaction of such a profile.
There’s the meat of the matter! (Don’t worry, no more meat instructions.) It’s the “Company Generated Cupid Profiles” we were talking about before. As a little added bonus, we can see from the last sentence that they don’t even always label their fictitious profiles. Basically, only when they feel like it. Not that it matters, I suppose. Most dudes never read the terms anyway (which is what scammy dating sites count on), so they wouldn’t know what the little icon means anyway.
Alright, there’s more in there, which you’re free to go and read, but honestly, that’s enough for me. Any time I see company created profiles, for any reason, I’m gonzo.
So, in conclusion, I say, fuck that.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Sigh.
If “Company Generated Cupid Profiles” ain’t enough to clear things up for you, I’m not sure what else might.
All I can say is facts is facts. And them words up there is the facts.
Come on now. Read that shizz again. You’ll see the light.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
CougarCrush.com? Nope. Scam.
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