The Question
Free man who wants to lock down some bang time with a fetching female: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at FreeHookups.com?”
Me: “FreeHookups.com? Why it’s just as easy as can be! Lemme ‘splain it to you. First you make your way over to the local chocolate factory. Go ahead and walk on in and take your place at the ol’ chocolate-makin’ conveyor belt. Now, when the chocolates start comin’, start wrappin’ them chocolates. Don’t miss any now! Uh-oh. They’re starting to come faster. You better stuff some in your mouth to wrap later. You know, once you catch up. You don’t want to miss any! Okay, now… Holy hell. You’re falling behind. Gah! Stuff some in your shirt! Now… hmm… hang on a minute. That’s not how you get laid at FreeHookups.com. That’s an episode of I Love Lucy! You wanted to know about how to get laid at FreeHookups.com. Right. That’s easy! You fucking don’t!”
You’re babalu-king (couldn’t help myself) in the wrong place if you think you’re going to hook up with anyone at FreeHookups.com.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with FreeHookups.com?
Let’s say FreeHookups exists in space.
And let’s also say that there’s some kind of war going on up there. You know, in the stars.
And like any war, there are two sides. For the sake of argument, let’s call the side that FreeHookups is on the, umm, “Not Light” side.
Well, the Not Light side’s power comes from a very deceitful trio: fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
That trio has the power to scam unsuspecting humans out of their money and time.
Okay, okay. I get it. The scenario kind of falls apart there—getting scammed isn’t as compelling as a giant laser beam or something—but the point is the same as it always is:
Scamming people is garbage.
We don’t like that trio. Like, at all.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Okay!
New term for you today: Hookup Assistants!
Unfortunately, the new term is just another name for the same old scam.
But I want details!
And so you shall have them!
If you’ve been here before, you already know what I’m going to say next.
But, for those of you enjoying this fine slice of the internet for the first time, let me lay it out for you…
The first thing you should always do when you’re checking out a dating/hookup site is go to the Terms and Conditions page. It’s that page that will tell you if you need to bother going any further, or if you should just move on.
Today is no different. Let’s head straight on over to the T&C and take a look at what’s going on at FreeHookups.com.
What do we have here in Section 14?
14. HOOKUP ASSISTANTS: FREEHOOKUPS.COM UTILIZES VIRTUAL PROFILES THAT DO NOT CORRESPOND TO ACTUAL MEMBERS
And here’s another piece:
14.2 An HOOKUP ASSISTANT may be a digital actor, an avatar or a synthespian (e.g. a computer generated “person” or “character”). HOOKUP ASSISTANTS may be employed by freehookups.com or a third party to enhance Your online experience.
There’s more. Go ahead and read it, if you like. Or don’t.
I’ll tell you this though… “Virtual Profiles” was enough for me.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Well, I suppose if you don’t believe me, that must make whatever you’re choosing to believe true!
Thanks, Big Show.
Look, if you don’t want to believe the facts, nobody’s going to force you to. But really, the words say what the words say.
Save yourself the headache. Trust me, getting scammed sucks. Especially when it could have been avoided.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
FreeHookups.com? Nope. Scam.
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