The Question
Adventurous chap who wants to go on a sex safari with a cunning cougar: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at HookupCougars.com?”
Me: “HookupCougars.com? Well that’s pretty darn simple! Let me start by asking you this: What do cougars like to do? Since I can’t actually hear you, I’ll just go ahead and answer for you. They like to stalk, that’s what! So, using some simple math, or science, or whatever, we can conclude that the first thing you need to do is make yourself stalkable. How do you that? Good question! Just take a little dab of meat juice, mix that up with a spritz of some awful-ass body spray, apply liberally to the back of your neck and under your left arm, and then, as if by magic, you fucking don’t!”
You could take a bath in a tub full of Eau de Cougar and you’d still have no chance of hooking up on HookupCougars. Nobody does.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with HookupCougars.com?
Only something even more stinky than whatever the fuck Eau de Cougar might be…
Fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
Pee-yew!
Tell me more, Frankie.
On it!
“Online Cupids” might sound cute, but I assure you, they are not.
But I want details!
And I wanna give ‘em to you!
And now for the least shocking thing you’ll learn all day: The truth is buried in the Terms and Conditions page.
Ah yes, the Terms and Conditions page. Friend of the common consumer!
Please, O truthful T&C, spill the proverbial beans!
And so it shall…
Section 9 starts off by saying:
9. FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY
Well, who doesn’t like to be amused? Amirite?
9. b. You understand and accept that our site, while built in the form of a personals service, is an entertainment service. All profiles are provided for the amusement and entertainment of our members and our users. You are not guaranteed that you will find a date, a companion, or an activity partner, or that you will meet any of our members in person.
Ohhh. I see.
9. c. THIS SITE USES FANTASY PROFILES CALLED ONLINE CUPIDS®: You understand, acknowledge, and agree that some of the user profiles posted on this site may be fictitious and operated by the Site or its contractors.
This is definitely becoming less amusing.
9. c. ii. You understand, acknowledge, and agree that the information, text, and pictures contained in the Online Cupids® service profiles do not pertain to any actual person, but are included for entertainment and educational purposes only. Life events, experiences, interests, and geographic locations are fictitious. Nothing contained in any Online Cupids® service profile or message is intended to describe or resemble any real person – living or dead.
Color me unamused.
Ain’t that a kick in the teeth.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Here. A present for you.
fic·ti·tious
adjective
not real or true, being imaginary or having been fabricated.
That’s just to clear up any confusion over what fictitious means, and why it is most definitely not a good word to see when it’s used with “profiles” on a supposed dating site.
Just say no to Online Cupids, kids.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
HookupCougars.com? Nope. Scam.
Leave a Reply