The Question
Racy Ricardo who wants to shake more than a finger at a bawdy babe: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at NaughtyEvents.com?”
Me: “NaughtyEvents.com? That’s an easy one! You’ve probably heard of an event planner before? You know, someone who, uh, plans events and stuff? Well, that’s what you’re gonna be here. An event planner. A naughty, naughty event planner. Why? Because you’re gonna plan an event, of course! What’s that? What event will you be planning? Why you’ll be planning a goddamn horizontal hula marathon, that’s what! Okay, so first thing you gotta do is a pick a day for the boning bonanza. Got one? Good. Next, get out a red pen and circle the date on your calendar. Perfect. Now, you’re gonna write a little note next to the circle. Oh, and you should probably use capital letters so you know the note is important. Ready? Here’s what you write: You fucking don’t!”
What I’m saying is, even with the best laid plans, you won’t be getting laid at NaughtyEvents.com.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with NaughtyEvents.com?
Let’s say you were to make a list. A list of pros and cons regarding NaughtyEvents.com.
Now I’m just spitballin’ here, but let’s say on this list you call the cons side, “Things that are Naughty”. And, shit, how about you call the pros side, “Things that are Nice”.
Well, when filling in this list, the cons side would be stuffed with the following 3 items before you had time to say, “Now that is some serious bullshit!”:
- Fake members
- Fake profiles
- Fake emails
You know, cuz that’s what you’ll find on their site.
The pros side of the list would, as you might have guessed, remain empty as fuck.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Normally this is where I let you in on what the site in question calls their fake profiles. NaughtyEvents, however, didn’t bother to come up with any kind of ridiculous moniker for their bullshit profiles. But don’t you worry, they’re in there.
But I want details!
And I got ‘em for you.
Hang on! We’re going in! Straight in to the terms and conditions, that is!
Why?
Glad you asked!
We’re headed there because the terms and conditions are the one place where you have a chance to find out the truth about what exactly is happening on a dating site. To be blunt, the terms are where you can find out if a dating site is going to try and scam you out of your hard earned money and time.
Super important tip: Always make sure to read the terms and conditions of any dating site that you’re thinking of signing up to—and this is key—before you sign up. Trust me when I tell you that this simple step can totally save your bacon.
The way these shady dating sites get away with their bullshit and are able to keep operating is by burying their deceptive behaviors deep in all the legalese that you typically find in the terms for using their site. Of course they don’t do this for your benefit, they do it to cover themselves from any legal repercussions.
You see, these scammy sites know two very important things. 1) They know that pretty much 99.9% of all the people who join their site won’t bother reading the terms. And 2) they know that whether someone reads the terms or not, if they continue on to use the site, the user is automatically bound to the terms that the site has laid out. Translation? The site can continue to operate with impunity, regardless of their duplicitous tactics, and live on to bilk member after member after member. It’s super shady, and super shitty, but unfortunately, it’s the way it is with so many “dating” sites.
Now, what would this review be without a little proof for your pudding?
Let’s take a look at NaughtyEvents’ very own terms and conditions so you can see firsthand the extent of their bullshittery.
Eighth paragraph of section 1 gives us this tasty morsel:
Our primary purpose is to provide an adult entertainment experience.
The whole “entertainment” angle is always a red flag, as far as I’m concerned. They’re basically telling you the site is there not for dating, but to amuse you. Yeah, no thanks.
Continuing on to the next paragraph, we catch the beginning of the mindfuck these guys are trying to pull on potential unsuspecting members.
This Website does not create user profiles, so called “virtual profiles” or use artificial intelligence in order to simulate people.
That looks promising, doesn’t it? Only until you get to the next paragraph and you see the doublespeak in action.
We create user profiles for use by our customer support representatives for the support, marketing, improvement of the Service, and in order for our Registered Users to experience the type of communications that they can expect as paying Members. Our customer support representatives are encouraged to speak with our members and also to stimulate conversation between members by making introductions or recommendations or just to chat with Users, for entertainment purposes. Additionally, the Website utilizes automated system profiles to communicate with Users to enhance our Users’ entertainment experience.
Holy fuck.
Let’s do a quick decoding of the contradicting messages there.
Basically, they’re saying they don’t create user profiles in order to impersonate an actual person, but rather they create user profiles so they can make you think you’re actually talking to a real person.
Confusing? That’s the point. They’re obviously trying to be clear about what they’re doing (out of obligation) in the most unclear way that they can. Fuck that.
Moving on, this last bit we’ll highlight from the terms will drive home exactly what kind of nonsense they’re pulling.
You acknowledge and agree that some of the profiles posted on the Website that you may communicate with as a Registered User may be fictitious. The purpose of our creating these profiles is to provide our Registered Users with entertainment, to allow Registered Users to explore our Service and to promote greater participation in our Service. The messages they send are computer generated. Messages from the user profiles we create attempt to simulate communications so that should you become a paid Member you are encouraged to participate in more conversation and to increase interaction among fellow paid Members. We also use such profiles to monitor user communications and use of our Service to measure compliance with the Terms.
Listen, there’s obviously more to the terms than just what’s here, so feel free to check out the rest on your own, but what we’ve covered here is more than enough for me to say fuck to the no.
Anyway, there you have it. Bullshit on a plate. Served up piping hot to poor, unsuspecting schmucks everywhere. For fuck’s sake.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Fair enough. You’re old enough to make your own decisions, I’m sure.
However…
The thing is—and I’ve said this many times before—facts is facts. That stuff you just read up this page a little? Them’s facts. And, well, you can’t dispute facts because, you know, they’re facts. Otherwise know as indisputable truths.
Take a minute to go re-read all the bits and bobs from NaughtyEvents’ terms that we’ve laid out. Pay special attention to the bit about fictitious profiles. As in, the part where NaughtyEvents tells you they have fake motherfucking profiles on their site. Let that sink in for a sec, and then enjoy your moment of happiness when you realize that you just avoided being one more notch on their scam belt.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
NaughtyEvents.com? Nope. Scam.
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