The Question
Fast Freddie who wants to get on the expressway to Bangtown with a racy Stacey: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at XPress.com?”
Me: “XPress.com? Simple. And I mean real simple. All you have to do is go and get yourself a big ass button. Why are you giggling? Because what? Oh. Har har. I said ass button. Hmm. Fine. All you have to do is go and get yourself a large button. Better? Yeesh. Then— What? Yes. A button. No, not like a sew-it-on button. Like a button you press. Okay? May I? Ahem. Go and get a button. A large button. The kind you press button. Now put it on your table. Perfect. Okay, here’s the most important part. Nice and slow now, take a deep breath and press the large, not sew-it-on button, and finally, you fucking don’t!”
Unfortunately, you and everybody else could have whole tables full of buttons and it wouldn’t matter. No one is hooking up with anybody at XPress.com.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with XPress.com?
You’d think I’d get tired of having to repeat myself all the time. You know, since what’s wrong with these scamboozling sites is always the same damn thing. But you’d be wrong!
As a matter of fact, I’m more than happy to repeat myself over and over and over again if it keeps some unsuspecting dude from getting duped.
So, with that said, let’s play it again Sam..
What’s wrong with XPress.com is the typical trifecta of claptrap: fake members, fake profiles, and fake emails.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Here’s some more…
Is it possible for anything to be sexier than “Online Emissaries”?
I think not.
I’m totally kidding, of course.
But I want details!
For you? Of course!
A little precursor…
Whenever we come across a site that calls their shifty profiles “Online Emissaries”, we also get the added bonus of being reminded of quite possibly the most ridiculous term I’ve seen in a dating site’s terms and conditions.
Seriously, I shake my head every time.
Ready?
Synthespian!
I know, I know. I realize it’s a real word. It doesn’t matter. Still silly.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the matter at hand…
I mentioned the terms and conditions a second ago. That’s where we need to go. Always, always check the terms and conditions page on a dating site before you even think about signing up. It’s the one place on a scammy dating site where you have any chance of finding out the truth about what tactics they might employ that could cheat you out of your time and money.
In this case, when we check out the T&C for XPress.com, we find the goods starting in section 14.
14. ONLINE EMISSARIES: XPRESS.COM UTILIZES VIRTUAL PROFILES THAT DO NOT CORRESPOND TO ACTUAL MEMBERS
Awesome, right? No.
Let’s move on to section 14.2.
14.2 An ONLINE EMISSARY may be a digital actor, an avatar or a synthespian (e.g. a computer generated “person” or “character”). ONLINE EMISSARIES may be employed by xpress.com or a third party to enhance Your online experience.
There’s the ol’ synthespian!
Ugh.
One more tidbit should get the point across (not that the very first bit didn’t do that already).
14.3 By consenting to and accepting these Terms, You acknowledge You fully understand, accept and agree to the ONLINE EMISSARIES service. You acknowledge that You understand that some of the profiles and Members displayed on them are not actual members of the site. ONLINE EMISSARIES are not associated with any other user of the site, but are sent to You in an effort to promote broader enjoyment, additional activity and fuller participation in all our Services.
You can go ahead and read more in there if you like. Lots more blah about their Online Emissaries. They even say you can opt out of the “Online Emissary” service if you like. And all you have to do is email them and tell them you don’t want to participate. Super nice of them to let you know that, right? Especially since it’s so easy to find. It’s practically front and center. That is, if front and center means deep in their terms and conditions page. The page that they’re banking on pretty much nobody reading before they sign up.
Yeah, no.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
Funny.
Not haha funny. Interesting funny.
See, I would have expected your reaction to be more like this:
But maybe you’re just in denial.
Tell you what, go back up the page and read the stuff up there again. Let it sink in. Especially the part about the “virtual profiles”.
If you still don’t believe what I’m laying out for you, then, uh, go read everything again.
In fact, how about you just keep re-reading everything up there until the lightbulb comes on for you. Yeah, do that.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
XPress.com? Nope. Scam.
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