The Question
Hookup Harry who wants to connect private parts style with a smokin’ seductress: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at XXXConnect.com?”
Me: “XXXConnect.com? Totally easy. It goes like this: If you wanna connect, you gotta be the connection. What in dee hell ya talkin’ about now, Frankie? Oh don’t you worry. It’s all gonna be real clear in a second. Now, I think it’s pretty safe to say we all know what a modem is, right? Sure. And most of you have probably at least heard of how old-school modems connected to the internet, yes? You know, all that beeping and squawking and such. Well, that shit worked, right? I mean, it didn’t seem like it was going to, but it did. So, it stands to reason that if you wanna connect, all you have to do is repeat this next phrase (feel free to improvise a little, if you like): BEEEEP SQWUAAAK SCREEE FLONK GRRRR! Perfect! You should totally be online now and ready to you fucking don’t!”
What I’m saying is you could have a high speed connection—hell, you could have a light speed connection—that physically transported you right to XXXConnect and you still wouldn’t be getting laid there.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with XXXConnect.com?
See those three Xs in the name? Of course you do. Silly question.
Well, those Xs are going to help explain the wrongness.
It’s word (letter?) association time!
Bowling.
Strike!
Good job.
Strike.
Baseball!
Well done.
Three strikes.
You’re out!
Exactly.
Fake members. Strike one!
Fake profiles. Strike two!
Fake emails. Steeeee-rike three!
Get the fuck out.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Some more just for you!
I bet you just can’t wait to start interacting with some “Online Emissaries”! Amirite?
Oh. You don’t? What’s that? What the eff is an “Online Emissary”?
Well, I’m pretty sure you can guess, but either way, you’re about to find out. And trust me when I tell you that you don’t want any part of them.
But I want details!
Always happy to provide the details!
Holy shit.
I know I do this every time, but I am compelled to point this out first whenever we run across the ol’ “Online Emissaries”. I can’t help myself.
Okay, I’ll get it out my system. Here it is…
Synthespian!
Still the frontrunner for most ridiculous term in a dating site’s terms and conditions.
Now, on to the show!
So, speaking of the terms and conditions, that’s where we’re headed.
Why are we headed there? Because that’s where we find out the truth!
See, the terms and conditions are like your one-stop shop for all things bullshit on a dating site. If the site in question is trying to con you, the terms page is where you have a chance to find that out.
And how do you find out?
Well, these scammy dating sites actually put their schemes in the terms to cover their own asses. They bury that shit in there, so they can legit say that they told you what was actually going on, even though they’re counting on you to not ever read their confession. And that’s exactly why reading the terms should always be the first thing you do when you check out a dating site. A few boring minutes of trudging through some legal mumbo-jumbo first can save you a metric shit-ton of headache later.
Let’s prove our point with XXXConnect’s very own terms and conditions, shall we?
Looky, looky. Section 14 is where the fun begins.
14. ONLINE EMISSARIES: XXXCONNECT.COM UTILIZES VIRTUAL PROFILES THAT DO NOT CORRESPOND TO ACTUAL MEMBERS
Not a lot to misinterpret there. But let’s see some more.
Section 14.2:
14.2 An ONLINE EMISSARY may be a digital actor, an avatar or a synthespian (e.g. a computer generated “person” or “character”). ONLINE EMISSARIES may be employed by xxxconnect.com or a third party to enhance Your online experience.
Boom! Synthespian! So dumb. Fo’ real.
And one more little nibble at the bullshit buffet…
14.3 By consenting to and accepting these Terms, You acknowledge You fully understand, accept and agree to the ONLINE EMISSARIES service. You acknowledge that You understand that some of the profiles and Members displayed on them are not actual members of the site. ONLINE EMISSARIES are not associated with any other user of the site, but are sent to You in an effort to promote broader enjoyment, additional activity and fuller participation in all our Services.
Feel free to go read the rest. There’s always more nonsense to be found. Hell, they even tell you that you can opt out of the “Online Emissary” service if you want to. Isn’t that nice of them? I mean, they make it so easy to do. All you gotta do is actually find where they say that deep in their terms, and then email them about it. That sounds way easier than having an option right on the site, right? And even more legit than, you know, not having fake profiles in the first place, right? Wrong.
Fuck. That.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
But… but…
Happy now? You just made my brain pop.
Listen, while I go and reassemble my brain, you go and re-read the words up this page a little. Be sure to pay special attention to the parts that talk about “virtual profiles”. You know, “virtual profiles”? As in, not real profiles. As in, fake profiles.
When you’re done re-reading all the words, re-read them again. Continue this process until everything sinks in. Believe me. You’ll be glad you did.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
XXXConnect.com? Nope. Scam.
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