The Question
Boss dude who wants a foxy Pfeiffer to say hello to his little friend: “Hey Frankie. How do I get laid at XXXCupid.com?”
Me: “XXXCupid.com? Easy. You gotta make the money first. Then, when you get the money, you get the power. Then, when you get the power, you get the… What’s that? Oh, right. You fucking don’t!”
Even if you’re a kingpin. Even if you wear the hat. Ain’t nobody getting laid at XXXCupid. It’s as simple as that.
But why, Frankie? What’s wrong with XXXCupid.com?
Grammar time, bitches!
Gimme an opposite for “real”.
You got it… FAKE!
As in, fake members, fake profiles, fake emails.
Tell me more, Frankie.
Sure thing!
Witness the attempted hornswoggling that is “Online Emissaries”. Yet another bullshit term for another swindley scam.
But I want details!
Happy to oblige.
I think we can all agree by now that if you want to get to the truth about these sites you have to head straight to the Terms and Conditions page before you do anything else. So, let’s do just that…
Section 14 is where the real fun starts:
14. ONLINE EMISSARIES: XXXCUPID.COM UTILIZES VIRTUAL PROFILES THAT DO NOT CORRESPOND TO ACTUAL MEMBERS
Because who wants actual members, right? Right?
This next bit from section 14.2 contains possibly the douchiest term of the whole thing. Go ahead and see if you can pick it out.
14.2 An ONLINE EMISSARY may be a digital actor, an avatar or a synthespian (e.g. a computer generated “person” or “character”). ONLINE EMISSARIES may be employed by xxxcupid.com or a third party to enhance Your online experience.
If you guessed “synthespian” as the winner of the douchiest word award, you are fucking correct, sir.
Let’s continue.
14.3 By consenting to and accepting these Terms, You acknowledge You fully understand, accept and agree to the ONLINE EMISSARIES service. You acknowledge that You understand that some of the profiles and Members displayed on them are not actual members of the site. ONLINE EMISSARIES are not associated with any other user of the site, but are sent to You in an effort to promote broader enjoyment, additional activity and fuller participation in all our Services.
Oh, I think we all understand the Online Emissary service, thanks.
Bonus insult: XXXCupid also says that you can not participate in the Online Emissary service if you email them and tell them you don’t want to. My question is, why are they there in the first place? Of course, we know the answer already. To take advantage of the unsuspecting mopes that don’t bother to read the Terms and Conditions of the service they’re signing up for.
I don’t believe you, Frankie!
That’s your prerogative, of course. Albeit a kinda funny choice, given the facts above.
Hey, just for fun, why don’t we ask Mr. Montana what he thinks about you not believing the words that actually exist in the T&C?
I think that about sums it up.
So how the hell am I supposed to get laid?
Sign up to a legit dating site.
Click here and check out the sites I’ve listed. Sign up to one of those sites and you’ll find loads of women who want to get laid. No bullshit attached. No scams.
TL;DR
XXXCupid.com? Nope. Scam.
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